I opened myself up to a person, and was yet again punished for it. I allowed myself to become dependent on another person, to rely on them for something outside of my control, and it was proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that the only person I can trust, or rely on, is myself.I don't hate you for it, you've just shown me something I already should have been aware of.
If you allow a person access to your self, they can inflict damage upon it, the only way to avoid damage is to never allow anyone access, under any circumstances. Build an impenetrable wall and never let a single soul through.
Whenever I elevate myself past this inert, almost emotionless sea, and I am knocked back down, a little voice in my head welcomes me back.
"Welcome back, you never stay away too long, we have a table right over here for you, Sir."
I always come back here, to the void beyond emotion and feeling, perhaps Dante envisioned this as his icy hell, where the damned are immersed in ice and all feeling and emotion dies.
Maybe I deal with emotion by completely blocking it out, do I take refuge from a harsh world, or do I foolishly cower in the face of something functional people deal with on a daily basis? Am I broken? Is this profound insight, or is it the ranting of a spoiled and petulant child who has never known real loss?
I feel like I should cry, I feel like I have been crying, but I haven't, not a single tear has been shed. My barriers are up, all emotion and pain is to be confined and shut down.
I will be robotic for a few days, but then I will settle back into my old rut. There is some solace in the fact that I tried, I may have failed, but I tried. I showed myself that I was capable of breaking out of my comfort zone, and in doing so I reinforced my reasons for staying inside.
This was an enlightening experiment, I will now discontinue the blog and return to my normal routine.
I cannot escape, that realization would have broken me, had I been a normal man, but I have had time to build these coping mechanisms.
Horror and despair threaten to overwhelm me, but if I can make it through the next few days, I will be back to normal.
Thank you all, truly, for making me feel a little better, if only for a short while. I'm back where I started is all, I never really lost anything.
Try, try and try again.
ReplyDeleteYou only get stronger with each failure, you can push through obstacles and gain access to what you want but you have to be patient.
You may not agree with that, but I don't like nice things disappearing.
I've been too shy to add you on MSN previously but I'd like to request it, that is, if you don't mind.
D: It was that minzy bitch wasn't it?!!~
ReplyDeleteThe least you could do is post what happened!
I hope you feel better! :(
^Minzy is a guy, you insufferable nonce.
ReplyDeleteNice. Finally.
ReplyDelete@Radical
ReplyDeleteI will not be participating in MSN anymore.
Each time doesn't make me stronger, it just wears me down, tires me.
I just need to go back.
@ Anonymous
Minzy has been fine, it's not him, and it's not even the person who allowed me to realise this, I don't hate them by any means, I could never hate anyone, it was my fault, it's all my fault, I just need to drop out and go back to what it was before.
I'll be good again if I can just do that.
Brofist Radical.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better Konata and I really do hope that some day you reach a point where you can be happy and not just coast along.
Oh Konata. It really does upset me that you are giving up. At least keep up with the blog or something.
ReplyDeleteAh well, I've given up convincing people a long time ago, it's never been my forté.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, don't let it get you too down.
There's still going to be people willing to accept you, no matter how many times you screw up.
Goddamnit it really is looking at a carbon copy of me. Well sir, best of luck to you and long may you run.
ReplyDeleteGoddammit OP I really wanted to see you climb out of this hole you dug.
ReplyDeleteDon't mistake people's resentment to your attitude as random emotional assault. People cared about you, now that you discontinued this whole thing it only shows that you don't care about us at all.
Don't you fucking leave OP.
ReplyDeleteTake a break for a few days and come back.
If you quit I might as well do so as well.
While life may be hard, suicide would be easy. Consider it.
ReplyDelete^Don't listen to this fuckhead.
ReplyDeleteFucking bitches and whores ruining everything good.
ReplyDeleteCome on bro, I enjoyed talking to you on msn. We got along fairly well didn't we?
ReplyDeleteKon, trust me when I say that the majority of people you thought were attacking you were samefags.
ReplyDeleteJust thought I would let you know.
I wish you all the best Kon.
ReplyDeleteKon, really reconsider this decision. I really enjoyed it man. Reading this blog, I managed to understand myself a little bit more.
ReplyDeleteBITCHES AND WHOOOOOOOOARES
ReplyDeleteAlright, best of luck!
ReplyDeleteGood luck. I enjoyed your time.
ReplyDeleteBut I only just found you, an hour ago. Please don't go. Take a break, but come back at some point. I like you.
ReplyDeleteIt is a biphasic mental strategy; imbalanced in time share. You crave material things, only to deny it outside of specific circumstances. The following that you have acquired through this short-term documentation has, despite of its original fickle goals, been swallowed whole by the aggregate of said material craving. Your personal characteristics are similar to the large majority of introverts, to a genuinely boring degree.
ReplyDeleteA pity, as I thought there might just be something interesting about you.
god dammit you homosex lover just comeback already!
ReplyDeleteCOME BACK YOU. I THINK YOU'RE A COOL GUY. YOU CAN DO IT BRO. YOU'RE LEAVING YOUR STORY UNFINISHED AND YOU'RE GIVING UP ON YOURSELF AT 20 SOMETHING. :[
ReplyDeleteYOU CAN"T JUST DO THAT.
Wow, its been two weeks; it feels like even longer.
ReplyDeleteYou said I'd forget you after 3 days, I told you that you'd be wrong. You're wrong Konata.
>That feel when you give up
ReplyDeleteDo not give up, you have so much ahead of you.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it. I won't tell you to 'find' the strength, as you have had it all along.
Tap into it.
Is it wrong to still check this with the sliver of hope that he'll come back?
ReplyDeleteI ONLY HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU GAVE UP, BEFORE YOU WERE A FUCKING AWESOME DUDE
ReplyDeleteI see alot of myself in you and i'd love to read more about your thoughts and feelings and everyday life. It's a shame to see that you've stopped since I only just found this blog.
ReplyDeleteYour encounter with the prostitute was especially heart breaking and mirror how I would probably react in the same situation, atleast to some extent. My heart goes out to you and I really hope that you reconsider and come back. I'll be waiting.
Somewhat egotistical on my part perhaps to ask for this favor while I can't offer much in return, I apologize for that.
Still checking
ReplyDelete>implying I'm not still checking this every day for new posts
ReplyDeletebtw the minzy bitch thing was kind of a joke. Since he was the only tripfag that stood out to me in this guys treads.
ReplyDeleteno offence mang.
None taken really, I just thought you were confused as to the situation so I didn't think much of it.
ReplyDeleteSo what happened, I thought he was gonna post another entry? :(
ReplyDeleteSo did I :(
ReplyDeleteWell, I've become more and more of a recluse lately so I can kind of imagine how you feel. So don't feel pressured, but I'd love to hear how you're doing.
I wish he would come back.
ReplyDeleteCOME BACK KONA, COME BACK TO US.
ReplyDeletePlease, please come back bro :(
ReplyDeleteEh, still checking and I don't even post on 4chon anymore.
ReplyDelete