Damn Blogger changing their layout to 2.0 bullshit thats impossible to navigate...

Despite my long periods of inactivity with nothing to report, I am infact still among the living.

Being happier in general, I feel less inclined to post, and I have less to post about. Much of my material being a product of my own state of mind, as I grow happier, so too does my desire to write, and material to write about, decrease. I no longer sit infront of the computer monitor and let my thoughts carry me away into despair and depression.

My life has improved vastly in the recent months, while my situation has changed very little, my state of mind and wellbeing have improved tenfold. I have recovered entirely from my operation, and have entered the mire of futility that is trying to salvage a neglected body through exercise and dieting.

I owe all of it to her, having invested way more time and encouragement in me than I rightly deserve. To feel wanted is to find value in yourself, even if you have no value, if someone else has a purpose for you, it gives you a reason (or an excuse) to exist. She has accepted all of my shortcomings, and although I still can't understand exactly what she sees in me, she has never once faltered during these months in her support and comforting.
She is unnaturally kind, accepting and tolerant, nobody has ever treated me so well before, it can be quite overwhelming, and she is opening up new areas for me that I would never have guessed existed, or I thought well out of my reach.

The plan is in place to visit her in a couple of months, which gives me something to work for, and look forward to.
She insists my physical condition is not an issue, however I believe she overestimates her ability for tolerance. I would never ask or expect her to be attracted to an obese man, it's not a question of good intentions or values, it's a question of basic biology. No amount of willpower can overcome that. While far from repulsive, having good hygeine and being of average looks, I am undeniably obese, and consecutive months of exercise and dieting have so far not shaven a single pound off me.
As the date for my visit cannot be postponed due to her living situation, I fear I will be visiting her in my present condition, a mockery of what I have the potential to be.
In my youth I was of average weight and muscle mass, but years of neglect and inactivity have made me overweight and weak.
Perhaps trying to reverse years of neglect in a matter of months was a foolish endeavour to begin with, but it does not lessen my frustration and mild panic as the day of reckoning comes closer.

Despite her sincerity in her affection for me, I still struggle with the idea that her, or anyone, could find something worthy of salvage in me. We have discussed it multiple times at length, to her immense irritation I am sure, but my insecurities are not so easily silenced. Much like a neglected body refusing to lose weight, my mind routinely rejects the notion that somebody likes me, and that if indeed they do like me, they must be mistaken or misled in some way.
While I trust her completely, and have never once doubted her sincerity, I fear that when I am before her, and she can see me without the filter of a webcam, she may lose her resolve.
I have stated that my visit will essentially be a trial period, and that any time during, and for a while after, she may choose to reject me, as my affections for her, while no less powerful, will not be allowed to become unreasonable or overly demanding.
She has been so kind for me, I cannot allow her to feel pressured.
I fear I will put her in a situation where she feels she has to lie to spare my feelings, I fear she is too kind-hearted and considerate to communicate any unpleasant truths, and I do not want to base our relationship on her being too kind to reject me.

She insists that I am not a last resort for her, that I am not the last choice of many, however I am unable to imagine a situation in which someone would choose me over almost any other option imaginable, as almost anyone would make a more suitable, and more capable partner than me.

Again, I have never once called her sincerity into question, however the logical side of me has to question her judgement, as I cannot imagine what train of thought would bring a person to find me the better choice.

I have the Devil's luck, I appreciate that, even a decade of accumulated good karma wouldn't buy me a tenth of what she is worth, I only fear to lose what I have gained, and how much worse the return to that miserable state of being would be in comparison.

Merry Christmas

Hey guys, I'm still around, and things are still going well.
I don't mean to be silent for such long periods, but as my life is improving, I have fewer amusing stories to relay.

Things are still going great with the girl, I have moved back in with my parents in an effort to save money to visit her in a few months, and I have had surgery to remove a problem that was preventing me from exercising, there were some minor complications, but I'm almost completely recovered. I should be able to lose some weight now and get fit enough to deserve having such a great girl.

As I have moved back in with my parents, my life is pretty cushy right now, I think having the operation softened my mother up a little, and brought out some maternal instincts, as I was pretty helpless for a few weeks, and I've had no trouble from my parents while I've been here. Maybe they just appreciate that I'm taking measures to improve myself, I don't know.

In any case, it's nice eating proper food for once.

So, things are going more than perfect with this girl, I'm now 100% sure that she's serious about living with me, and we have made plans to do so some time in the next 3 years. We do stuff together almost every day, she spends time with me, she talks to me, she's teaching me to play chess, we watch movies together, she even bought some games that we can play together on Steam. She includes me in her projects, and she always expresses herself, and tells me that she loves me. It's life-changing. It's still hard to understand what she sees in me, but I don't question it.
She even stayed online with me late into the night when I was having problems with my surgical wound for a few days, and I was scared. She really is perfect.

A few of you remarked that you were dissapointed that my happiness eventually came from a relationship, and not through self-improvement, but when you're alone, you have no reason to better yourself.
I was quite happy to sit in my hole and rot, because nobody would have noticed or cared. It's quite hard to live just for yourself in practice, especially for somebody with no self-discipline like me. There was nobody to make sure I ate right, or kept fit, or took care of myself, or cleaned, or filled any obligations at all. A life without structure or responsability sounds ideal, but in practice it kills the human soul, eventually you can't find a reason to get up in the morning, or wash, or shave, because you don't care, and there is nobody to care for you.

I thought of myself as independant, but just because you can technically support yourself, doesn't mean you can handle being alone. I discovered that I was weak without structure, and supervision, but by the time I realised that, it was too late to change.

Don't think of it as needing an outside source to be happy, it's more a case of needing an outside reason to care for yourself. If you have no prospect of ever being in a relationship, why take care of your body? If you have no prospect of employment, why bother to maintain any skills? If you have no legitimate reason to live, why even get out of bed? Escapism and entertainment only work for so long, and I think that without videogames to lose myself in I would have gone certifiably insane.

What this girl gives me, is value.

I now have worth, because I'm worth something to another person, now I have value, and a legitimate reason to occupy space. It's no longer just waiting out each day and dreading the next, but having an objective to work towards on the horizon, and a reason to be healthy and strong. I don't just go back to sleep when I wake up, because if I don't get out of bed, I will be missed. It makes all the difference to have a person like you, for your personality. I used to think I was objectively bad, that my personality was somehow wrong, or warped, I assumed that anyone who got to know me would come to hate me, so I receded entirely and shut myself off. Every failure would just serve to solidify that idea, that I was some kind of creature, that I lacked some fundemental human characteristic. I genuinely thought I was some kind of monster, and like a monster, I hid myself out of shame and fear.

This girl coaxed me out of my hole, and gained my trust, saving me from my self-imposed solitary confinement. It's a liberating feeling to just "trust" a person. No fear, no apprehension, no hidden motives or agendas, no worry, just knowing that the person will never harm you, or sell you out.

I can't place what she likes in me, it's either something everyone else I've known has overlooked or missed, or something she eased out of me herself. I lean towards the latter, I think that her specific personality and care has drawn out whatever goodness was left in me.

Even my irrational fear of being somehow 'punished' for being too happy has almost left me entirely, I can let myself go, and just enjoy the feeling of having another person care about you. It's an incredible release, like all of my internal organs had somehow been lined with lead untill she removed it.

The only thing about her that worries me, is that she's too perfect for somebody like me, she has been with better people, people who were taller, stronger, more charismatic, better looking, better lovers, what if at one point she thinks "I wish he was more like X" or "I wish he could do what Y did."? What if I can't be better than the other people she has been with? If I can't be the absolute best, then do I have any right to her at all?

I appreciate you guys still checking this page, and I promise to update more often, even if theres not much to report.

Also, how great is it that Skyrim came out around the time I was recovering from the operation? It's been aspie-central in here for the last couple of weeks.

Update

Don't worry, I'm still here.

Things are great at the moment, better than they have been in a very long time...too long.

Things are going great, with the help and encouragement of this girl, I'm dropping my defensive barriers for the first time in years, and feeling elated and content like I never thought I ever could. 

I actively prevented myself from becoming too happy in the past, for fear that it would be taken away from me, and depression would feel all the worse in comparison. I put up so many barriers and shields to prevent myself from feeling anything, or hoping for anything, but now I can let my guard down and drop my defenses, and it feels so good. It's like being freed from some curse, as if some weight has been lifted from my chest and I can breathe lungfulls of fresh air again.

I've never felt like this before, when I was in love with people previously, it was more like infatuation, a desperate and urgent feeling. This time, it's an affection that grows more and more, every day I talk to her it feels like I can't possibly like her any more than I already do, but I keep getting proven wrong. It feels safe, and sturdy, I feel no urgency or fear, just a steady security and contentment.   

She has also broken my rut, she has given me a future beyond stagnation. If I can raise the money, I'm going to visit her in about a year, which gives me the motivation I previously lacked to find some kind if income, and if all goes to plan, we should be able to live together within two or three years. Having hope, something on the horizon to look forward to, and work towards, does wonders all on its own. Having a long-term plan beyond sitting in the dark feeling sorry for myself is wonderfull. 

On the subject of her being a eunuch, I very much doubt any woman would be this supportive and this nurturing. Women expect you to be masculine and strong, to be a "man", a protector, a breadwinner. I can't be that, I'm too weak, too meek, too avoidant, but she doesn't care about that, infact she likes me all the more for it. I would never find another person in all the world who would be as supportive and as accepting of me. As a huge bonus, she is femenine, and attractive to me, not that it would have mattered to me if she wasn't, but it sweetens the deal. The fact that she is technically a man doesn't even come into the equation, I have no friends or family to offend, no masculine sexuality to uphold, I don't have an image or reputation to keep up, so what does it matter? 

I could date a thousand women and none would ever come close to how good she is for me, nobody else would ever be as kind or as loving. I'll never have to worry about being betrayed or manipulated, because as she isn't really a woman, things like that are removed from the equation. 

She is quite perfect.

Sorry to dissapoint, but...

...I'm still alive.

A lot has happened over the past few weeks, well, one thing, a good thing, which is why I have stayed away so long, to try and avoid any negative influence this blog may have over me.
But inevitably, I'm alone at night, staring at my ceiling, and the thoughts fill my mind like a cloud of biting insects, and I have to vent.

I met a girl online, technically a girl, the less flexible of you might not call her that, but that's how I see her. In any case, she contacted me through the blog, the ONLY contact I added to MSN, and reluctantly at that. She wanted to help, she was very nice to me, and made friends with me, and spent time with me. She drew me out of my shell, and gained my trust, despite how unresponsive I was at first. Of course I started to like her, but I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to creep out the only person who was talking to me.
In a bizarre twist, she told ME that she liked me. Believe me, I am as shocked as you are, and even more shocked to discover that she was accepting of pretty much all of my negative qualities. She is understanding, and caring, and accepting, and tolerant of my bullshit. She's like an angel sent from heaven.
I've been talking to her every day, and she couldn't be more perfect for me if I had designed her myself.
She seems serious about having an actual real IRL relationship, and we're going to arrange to see eachother in about a year when we have the funds. I don't mind waiting, because even though she isn't physically here, this is the least alone I've ever been in recent memory.

This is of course, wonderfull, and I'm the happiest I think I've ever been, but it's my nature to find the grey in a sky of silver-lined clouds.

For the first time in my life, there is something to look forward to, a positive, happy future on the horizon, but now that it's in view, i'm absolutely terrified of losing it. Experience dictates that when I allow myself to become too happy, and give in to good feelings, what I want is taken away from me, sending me even deeper into despair and depression. The minute I accept that something good is inevitable, it's snatched out from under my nose. Were I a (slightly) more psychotic person, I might accuse an errant, malevolent God of following me around and kicking the backs of my feet.

I'm suspicious, not of her, I trust her, despite the trouble I have trusting anybody, but of happiness itself. I am wary and cautious around happiness, as in the past it has always rested on weak foundations, and fallen apart when I picked at it a little. This time I'm too terrified to even touch it. This is my last chance, I can't endure another failure, this is the last attempt I have, and I'm putting everything I have into it, despite my terror.

It's not an irrational fear, it's based on a tried and tested element to any of my relationships.

Me.

To put it lightly, people don't like me very much. Over time I have come to understand why, but being aware of my flaws doesn't bring me any closer to fixing them, try as I might they are a fundemental aspect of my personality and the way I perceive the world. It's a lot harder than it sounds to change something so integral to your personality.
I don't deserve her, not remotely, she is far too kind and far too nice to be stuck with something like me, it almost feels as if I'm hurting her for my own benefit. I want her DESPERATELY, I've bonded with her, and I couldn't stand to lose her now, but she deserves so much better than anything I can provide. Despite my reservation, and my fear and of scaring her away, I keep letting slip my uncomfortably intense feelings.
I know I should just count my blessings and be thankfull for it, but I don't want to see her unhappy any more than I want to see her leave. It feels like I'm sucking her blood like some kind of vampire.
I'm always going to give 110%, but I don't think my best is good enough for her. She will say that it is, but I can't stand the though of being inadequet, or letting her down in some way.

She's far too good for the likes of me, and I'm desperately terrified that shes going to realise it.
She is the penultimate, it wouldn't be possible for a person to be more suitable, or more desirable for me, and rather than feeling like something I have to grab and hang on to while I can, it feels more like she has always been there, and I'm only just becoming aware of it.
Asking her to be with me, and to tolerate me, is possibly the most selfish thing I can do.

I couldn't ask for more, but I'm scared that I've already asked for more than I deserve.

I don't want to lose her, but it seems inevitable that shes going to see me as others see me at some point. As much as I want this to work, and as much as I want to accept that there is something about me that is good enough for another person to like, my experience and my common sense keep refusing it.

God, please don't let this fail...

Happy Birthday To Me

Well, here it is, another year of worthlessness, another year where I did nothing but sit on my ass, living on other people's money like the piece of shit I am. No friends no family, all for good reasons. I tried to be happy, I really did, but I can't ignore it no matter how hard I try. I'm too tired from crying like a fucking pussy to even type properly, a wonderfull quality to be sure. I'm a weak, pathetic, worthless piece of shit, and I don't deserve the air I'm breathing. Another year just rolling by where I should have BEEN someone, or at least something, not this wretched, inert little creature that curses people for not liking him while giving them no reason to. My parents could have called and said "Good job son, we're proud of you!", but I gave them no reason to, I could have had friends round to party and celebrate, but I have none, because I have no qualities any person desires, or even wants to be remotely associated with.
I'm a complete and total failure in every sense of the word, socially, morally, financially, everything I have was leeched from someone else and I have accomplished nothing.
I'm a wretched little shell of a person with no redeeming qualities and no worth. I complain about being alone, but no woman would ever want something like me, a weak, spineless, incapable idiot with nothing to offer. Fuck, I'm TERRIFIED of women, who the fuck am I kidding? I can't even pretend my bunched up bedsheets are another person, because even in a fantasy my mind rejects the notion that anyone could possibly think of me in any better light than a mild irritation.
Fuck I hate myself, I don't even have the courage to kill myself, I'm THAT spineless.
I hate just existing, I'm in limbo, maybe i did something wrong in a past life and this is my punishment. Do I even qualify as a human being anymore? Maybe i should take off my clothes and live in a hole under a tree in a forest.
God I hate this, eventually whatever hurts inside my guts is going to burst, and all the vile, putrid goop that makes up my being will come pouring out of me.
I'm so far down I don't even remember being happy anymore, just this endless mire of self-loathing and bleak inactivity. God, I even hate MYSELF, I inhabit my own head and I can't find anything worthy of salvage.
Can i just exist like this for another 70 years? It's like this idiot has taken over my body and I'm watching from the outside.  

I'm sure theres more, but I'm just so damn tired. Maybe somebody I know will still call and say Happy Birthday...

Huh, I just realised, it's my birthday in 3 days.

Yo

Don't worry I'm still knocking around.

I found somebody to talk to on MSN, we've been watching movies and playing online games, it's probably the first time I've had a proper friend in years.
Playing lots of EVE again too, that's always fun.

I decided to give /r9k/ a break for a few days, while a few people liked my threads, there was overwhelming hatred. I hope now that I've been away for a bit you guys won't mind me coming back. To be fair I do stay away for extended periods, I don't make that many threads. Would it kill you to just let me talk to some people unmolested for a while?

Thanks for posting your B&W stories guys, I read them all, I guess a lot of /r9k/ has been badly done to by a girl or two.
While I realise that my problems seem very minor to those who have suffered worse, that doesn't change the way I feel about what has happened to me. I recognise that some of you have been through much more, but I'm still where I am, and nothing's going to change that.

I was going to buy a plant, and went to the store, but then I got too nervous because the florist was pretty. I'll try again next week.